today was a really rough day for reasons that don't feel valid. so i didn't really get coding done, even tho i had the day off (text adventure sim my beloved) a chunk of the things i usually do to de-stress are not currently available to me so... here's hoping trying to read some animorphs helps? ~~~ "I guess I put off bad vibes, as my mom would say." its wild to me that 'vibes' was a 70is thing and its come back around. that was a really dated phrase back then but these days its just normal... yeah, morphin starfish is really dumb, watcher is right ~~~` and yeah, i can see what people say about it being out of character. kid me just figured "when you only have half your personality you get weird and extreme" but even before that rachel wasn't even Buried coded. No worrying about being trapped in a role, or anything like that, just, 'insert generic animmorph comments about nightmares here' also "mean" and "nice" rachel are such loaded terms. its more. what society expects vs what society rejects. 'nice' rachel is valley girl and kinda dumb. i mean. mean rachel is too. but. 'nice' rachel is a stereotypical 90s californian blond girl. ~~~ i think its itneresting that they're delibereately making the two rachels be confusing, not explicitly spelling it out yet, because teh two don't know about each other yet ~~~ "I tried to think of what to do. I mean, I guess I knew I’d have to go to the mall, but it was complicated. First I didn’t know how to get there. Then, once I was there, I didn’t know where to go. Too many shops. I tried to think about it, you know, focus and all, but it was just confusing. " i think its interesting that 'nice' rachel got all the navigation and spatial ability while 'mean' rachel can't even remember how to get to the mall, much less what stores it had yhey aren't just split down clean lines. the wildbow story 'pact' is what im thinking of here. the main character (spoiler) is what remains after whoever they had been before gets split exactly in two they have a body, their other half doesn't, they are male, their other half is female, they are the brawn, their other half is the brain, etc etc ~~ 'nice' rachel wants to kiss all the boys, even her cousin ```The possible fight was interrupted at this point by the arrival of Erek King. He’s a Chee. Meaning that he’s, like, this Android? Only he uses holograms to look like this normal boy. I don’t think he’s cute because, you know, it’s bad enough being attracted to a guy who’s a bird of prey, right? Getting into androids is maybe going a little far. Although, when you realize Erek is really like thousands of years old, so he’s totally mature and all-``` yeah okay ~~~ you know, deliberately designing a scenario where being off model is the point is a genuis way to do ghost writing its why i made the EastEast blorbos quotidians... cuz i still felt like IC was their writer? at this point, with text adventure sim i'm finally facing the truth though... i think im the only one left... ~~~~~~~~ ```I fought down the panic that welled up inside me, threatening to choke me! Had to get out! I had to get away from all this. My … my other half was probably already thinking of how to get rid of me. And my friends? Would they try and stop her? No. I was useless to them. Useless to the Animorphs, maybe even a danger.``` if i remember right, the fix is gonna be having the two rachels morph each other or something simiarly ass pully... but if they couldn't fix this.... would any of them have the.... the coldness needed to do to the two rachels, both strangers, really, what they ddid to david? how would they navigate the threat both of them pose. 'nice' rachel will spill the beans in a heartbeat, and in fact plans to. 'mean' rachel will botch every mission. earth is lost if they don't stop them... its a beat i didn't pick up on as a kid. ~~~ "Pathetic creature. He had deliberately chosen to resume his pacifist programming. We had freed him to be a warrior of such great power that not even I would ever have challenged him. And yet, in his moment of glory, having done more destruction in two or three minutes than we had done in months of missions. Having littered the floor and smeared the walls and ceilings with his vanquished foes, he had deliberately chosen to reintegrate the programming that would force him to die rather than cause harm to a living creature" the most we've ever gotten about exactly what erek did, way back when. ~~~ "“That’s not all there is to it,” Cassie said. “I think the split goes beyond that. I don’t think Mean Rachel is capable of long-term thinking. Nice Rachel is, but she’s not capable of short-term focus. Rachel busted in last night with no idea what to do. No plan. She was just reacting. But Nice Rachel laid out a shopping trip yesterday that was like a general planning an invasion.” Marco said, “Strategy and tactics. Long-term, short-term.” “We can’t use either of the Rachels we have,” Jake said. I began to demorph. I was just beginning to grow when I realized what Jake had said. Couldn’t use me? Couldn’t use me? " there we are. off model or not, rachel hates the idea that jake might think of her as a weapon. ~~~ "“She’s not me! She’s not me!” I wailed. “She was never in me!” But I knew the truth. My memories were all intact. I knew that this Rachel, this tortured, wild, vicious thing had been a part of me. She had made me brave. She had made me strong. Poor, sick, twisted thing, she had made me … me" i think i remember seeing a fanfic on tumblr of what if MARCO had been the one afflicted like this. ruthless marco and empathatic marco. the facade and the squishy meat underneath. in the fic, ruthless marco makes a plan and kills his mom with his own hands, iirc. for the greater good. ~~~ "But when I tried, I realized to my shock that I couldn’t. It was strange. Like. like when I tried to use that part of my brain, the planning part? No one home. Was Cassie right? I tried again. Nothing. Not just like I couldn’t come up with a great plan. It was like I couldn’t come up with any plan. Couldn’t really think ahead like that. Like the future wasn’t real, or possible, or … it just wasn’t there. I’d done okay at the BRI, hadn’t I? Of course that wasn’t planning. That was spur-of-the-moment reacting. Yeah. I could do that. I could react. Her. She had that part of me! The rotten little weasel! Wussy Rachel had part of my brain. A part I needed! I’d have to take it from her! I’d have to … How?" its ham fisted but i always like a good mental disablity pov. ~~~ the fact that they left BOTH rachels free is wild to me. yes it took the whole team keeping controller-jake captive but... they just sent them both back home. ~~~ the fact that 'nice' rachel thinks about obligations is interesting to me. the thesis the author is making is that ... long term planning is tied to social acceptability and empathy? that thinking about the future requires you to care about what happens to others (because you in the future is an other) if you prioritize getting along with others, it'll be easier to take care of your future iirc theres some studies that show this that people who are more pro-social save more for retirement and that if you get them to think of their future self as someone they're helping out, everyone saves a little more ~~~ "Mean Rachel’s lips were white with growing rage. “You all think you’re smart? You think you can handle ME?” Jake moved with liquid feline grace over to stand in front of her. “I’m not David!” Mean Rachel spat. Marco answered, " glad they're thinking that way too. ~~~ "“Why do I have to go?” I wailed. “My duty?” I thought about the word. Duty? What was duty? What did that mean to me? Nothing! Only. it did mean something. To my surprise, it did. It was kind of weird. But down inside me, untouched by the split, I felt the word resonate. Mean Rachel got the courage. I got the sense of duty. And now that I had touched that part of me, it seemed powerful. Irresistible. " yeah, that insight came from cassie, no question. ~~~ "It was so strange. Not the morphing. I mean, yes, the morphing, but that’s not what I meant. What was strange was that you know you can be scared of something, then you go ahead and do it, so the next time you’re not as scared? Like the fear wears off, becomes weaker? That’s the normal way for things to be. Only it wasn’t that way for me. I had now morphed to owl. And I had demorphed. So it should be easier for me now, right? Plus, I’d done it, like, hundreds of times: bear, fly, whale, flea … I had all those memories, perfectly preserved. I knew … I mean, I knew that had been me doing all those things. So why should I be so scared?" which is a point. when the book first started out the idea of morphing at all was terrifying. no one wanted to and especially didn't want to become anything small or gross. but they got used to it. slowly and surely. ~~~~ "NO, no, no! Not walls. A box! I was in a box! In a box! An inch taller than me, an inch wider, an inch longer. A box! Trapped! Jake said. Demorph! I screamed to myself. Demorph! I began to change, to grow, but instantly I felt the awful, unyielding pressure. Walls all around me! Jake yelled. I could barely stand to listen. I morphed back, but the panic, the terror! Oh, God, they had me! At long last, they had me! Trapped. As a roach! As a cockroach! I started screaming. I kept screaming. Screaming and screaming and screaming." they really kept the buried theme up, good for them what a nightmare. physically unable to turn off fear or get used to it, trapped in a tiny box, trapped in a disgusting morph, TRAPPED. ~~~ " Jake and Nice Rachel, both as cockroaches. Hah! Killing them would be almost too easy. I could. I could eat them! Yeah, that was it! I could eat them, ah hah hah HAH! Or maybe I would rip off their legs and leave them helpless on their backs to. no, wait. That wouldn’t work, would it? But why? Some reason. They … I strained my mind, trying to figure out what it was that was bothering me about that scenario. I pull off their legs. Okay. That was good. Then, I put them on their backs so they can’t roll over. And then … I would eat them! Yeah! Swallow them in one big bite! But even that made me feel uncomfortable. Like I was overlooking something. " she's forgetting they can just demorph. even inside her. ~~~ " I couldn’t. Couldn’t look. Think. Just scream and scream. Scream. SCREAM! SCREAM! SCREAM! I fell silent. " she can't control herself. the fear is too big...but duty. she can do her duty. ~~~ "Silent. Waiting. Feeling the terror stalking me, feeling it tickle up beside me, feeling its cold hand reaching right through me. Trapped! A roach in a clear, plastic matchbox. No way to demorph. No way out. Trapped! I moaned. I knew why they were counting down. " a lot of bugs can't even see red, they see higher spectrum colors only., im p sure. also this is a cognitive behavioral technique. paying attention to senses instead of spiralling. ~~~ " I heard a strange sound. Sliding. Slipping. I looked up. It was hard at first to tell in the dim light, but then I realized it was true: The ceiling was coming nearer and nearer. And one wall was closing in as well. Visser Three said softly. I roared. " i think its funny that rachel shares a common andalite fear. ~~~ "I was on the floor! Out of the box! Huge, Hork-Bajir feet stomped all around me. But then, after a while, all was quiet. All but the sound of my twin’s thought-speak voice raging at Visser Three. Then, the terrible realization of Visser Three’s threat: that I had escaped one box only to find myself trapped in another. Demorph! I told myself. But, no, morphing was horrible. And Rachel … the other Rachel … might kill me. She had to be furious. What should I do? I was trapped, unable to decide. To demorph was terrifying, to stay in morph was terrifying. It was the ultimate horror of the coward: I was caught between two frightening choices. " buried. ~~~ "“I’m gonna morph to grizzly bear,” Mean Rachel said. “I’ll kick butt!” “But the walls are closing in,” I moaned. “If you get bigger you’ll just get squashed sooner.” She looked up at the ceiling. She bit her lip. Soon, very soon, there wouldn’t be room for a bear. Soon after that there wouldn’t be room for a human. “If he wants to kill us, why doesn’t he just kill us?” Mean Rachel demanded. “He doesn’t want to kill us,” I said. I was sitting, eyes closed, hands over my head. “Of course he wants to kill us, moron!” “No. He wants our bodies. Only not our bodies. He thinks we’re Andalites. He wants us to surrender. Wants to break us so we’ll let him take our Andalite bodies to use as hosts for Yeerks.”" they're working together, using both their strengths ~~~ "I could see possibilities: The Visser thought there was only one of us. He wanted us alive. I could see possibilities, plans. But not for me! However, I could think of Mean Rachel doing them." its really sweet acknowding that all the parts of you have worth, even the ones without value in specific situations. ~~~ "“I wanted the two of you to find a way out,” Jake said calmly as he became more human than roach. “You had to figure out that you need each other.” " well im glad that worked out. ~~~ "I looked at her. At the face that was identical to mine. At the eyes that were so different, so hot and wild and dangerous. She scared me. " i know they mean "hot-headed" but now all i can think of is that 'nice rachel' wants to kiss all the boys AND would be into self-cest. ~~~ "“I’m here for you,” Cassie said. I looked up. Tobias. Half-human, half-predator. Our eyes met. “Thanks, Cassie,” I whispered. “But … Tobias?” he said. " that's sweet ~~~ overall i liked the book. i don't care that the split rachels' were out of character, it honestly was the point. that you can't be a whole person without fear and without a little unhingedness. that trying to reject any part of you to become "better" just makes you unbalanced, a caricature of youreslf. and it got me through the evening without sprialling too bad, so, mission accomplished.